SELF ABSORBED
The
sun shone through the windshield as he drove home. “How could I be so stupid,” he thought as he
turned onto his street. “When will I
learn to let good enough alone?” The
lyrics of Lionel Ritchie’s ‘Hello’ blared from the car’s speakers as he eased
the vehicle into it’s parking spot.
Exiting the car Larry thought twice about leaving the top down. “With my luck, someone will steal the
stereo,” he said out loud to no one in particular, not even himself. He set about to the task of replacing the top
in the silence of the garage. “Jerk,
jerk, jerk!” Again aloud, but this time
directed at the only occupant of the deserted garage.
The
elevator stopped in the lobby. He faced
the row of mailboxes as the doors opened.
He fumbled for his keys and retrieved his mail. Three bills, a movie magazine, and an offer
for an overpriced dating service addressed to “Single Occupant”. An ironic smile crossed his lips as he
retreated into the elevator. Two more
floors and he was home.
The
apartment was a mass of diversity. The
walls were decorated with movie posters from “Star Wars”, “Star Trek”, “Citizen
Kane”, and “The Brady Bunch Movie”.
Strewn across the floor lay the past week’s newspapers, videotapes,
yesterday’s wardrobe, and magazines.
There were too many bookshelves laden with too many books, and covered
with toys from favorite, and not so favorite, movies. The TV was on, oops, and three VCR’s hummed
recording who knew what (and who knew when they’d ever be seen). The living room was decorated in what Larry
could only describe as ‘Early American Parents’. The couch, forever covered in junk mail and
last week’s clean laundry, was a constant reminder of his family. It had been passed down the sibling tree
until he took possession ten years ago.
And it was staying, no matter what mom said.
He
crossed to the bedroom, barely noticing the news of yet another drive-by
shooting being conveyed nearly inaudibly by the TV. Entering the bedroom he began to discard his
clothing. Shirt on the floor, shoes
kicked off into the corner, pants neatly deposited on the bed (wouldn’t want
his change or keys falling out).
His
bedroom was a shrine to movies and TV.
One wall was covered ceiling to floor with shelves holding videotapes
and magazines he’d collected over the past twenty five years, another housing
toys, games, books, and who knows what, as long as it had something to do with
‘Star Wars”. His bed, unmade (who’d have
guessed it), under a small window, appeared to be the centerpiece of the
room. From this vantage point he could
see everything. Every bit of wall that
was not covered by shelving and the like was adorned with posters and framed
photographs from the movies he had seen hundreds of times. As he moved to the bathroom, he checked to
make sure yet another VCR was recording on yet another tape that would be
viewed in a future he wasn’t sure would ever come.
Larry
looked at himself in the mirror. He was
tired. Tired of not getting enough
sleep, tired of dealing with coworkers that never seemed to get it, tired of
coming home to this ‘empty’ apartment.
Mostly he was tired of being a jerk.
He ran cold water and splashed it on his face. “Just another day.” He was startled by his own voice breaking the
silence.
Wading
through the clothes covering the floor, Larry went back through the living room
and into the kitchen, being careful not to knock any of the empty cans and
bottles off the counter tops. He
searched the refrigerator for something to drink. He found a bottle of soda behind a carton of
milk that expired a month ago. He placed
the cap on the counter, briefly considering tossing it into the overflowing
trash bag. He returned to the living
room and sat down in the chair strategically placed in the middle of the room,
the only piece of furniture not covered.
As he took a sip of his soda he looked around the apartment. It was the nightmare of every teenager’s
parents. What would happen if their
cherub ever moved out, but never grew up?
He
reached for the remote control and aimlessly skipped from channel to
channel. The news, an old black and
white movie that had been colorized, some special bulletin, a few talk shows,
an infomercial about dieting while you sleep (he made a mental note of that
one), another special report, a game show from the mid-seventies, and the scene
of a high speed chase in progress. A
normal day. It just didn’t seem
important to him. The images flicked
faster and faster as he considered his actions of the day.
It
started out as a normal Wednesday. He
was barely awakened at six by the blaring of his alarm clock. Eyes still closed, he tapped the snooze
button. Another seven minutes of
bliss. He hoped he could get back into
that dream. He was walking through a
park with Geri. They were talking and
laughing as they tended to do (though never in a park) and she had reached out
to hold his hand. It was a dream come
true, well, if it wasn’t actually a dream.
He stopped, surprised. She turned
and looked up into his eyes. A knowing
smile played on her lips and he realized that she had finally come to grips
with the feelings he knew (read, hoped) she had for him. They gazed into each other’s eyes for just a
moment and he slowly leaned towards her and . . . That was when the alarm blared. He willed himself back into the dream with
mixed success. It was earlier in the dream
when they were in the car and she suggested that they take a walk. After all, it was a beautiful day and she had
no reason to rush home. As he pulled
into the parking lot the dream changed slightly. She gently placed her hand on his as he
removed the key from the ignition. Again
shocked, he sat frozen. The same knowing
smile, the same locked eyes, the same alarm shattering the image once again.
“Damn,”
he announced quietly as the smile left his lips and he once again tapped the
alarm clock. The phone rang. “Hello, hello,” he repeated the words as the
phone rang a second time. He felt he had
to get it just right. He didn’t like
sounding like he had been asleep when the phone woke him in the morning. He pressed MUTE on the TV’s remote control
and picked up the receiver. “Hello,” he
was sure he sounded like he’d been awake for hours. “Eight fifteen,” came the groggy reply. “I’ll be there, bye,” he hung up the
phone. Geri sounded so different in the
morning. He tried not to think about the
reality of the situation as he started dozing off again. He knew they were just friends. “Best friends,” she would insist on
occasion. Just someone who he worked
with, just someone he gave a ride to a few days a week, just someone he thought
about constantly. He drifted back to
sleep.
They
were in a movie theatre. She was
intently watching the film. He had
already seen it, but didn’t want to give up the chance to take her when she had
casually mentioned her interest in it a few days ago. He took an occasional glance at her from the
corner of his eye. She was
beautiful. Dark, smooth skin with just a
hint of eye make-up he watched her put on in the car that morning. Her hair was dark and silky to the
touch. Well, that’s how he had imagined
it countless times. He leaned ever so
slightly toward her and . . . “Shit!”
This time he pounded on the snooze button, never opening his eyes.
He
was back in the movie theatre, falling asleep.
How did his arm get around her and why didn’t she pull back? It seemed almost comfortable, the way he knew
it would be. He started to doze in his
seat and noticed something. She was
leaning towards him and her arm was casually draped across his stomach. She continued to watch the movie, as if none
of this was happening. He moved closer
and lightly rested his head on her shoulder.
Could he believe this? She began
to turn her head and the smile returned to her face. She moved closer, her lips nearing his. It was going to happen, it was actually going
to happen. And then . . .
He
was awake. No alarm had rung this
time. The phone was silent. He was sitting straight up in his bed,
wide-awake. “Damn it! Why does this always happen? Why can’t I kiss her?” He wanted to scream the words, but thought
better of it, considering his neighbors.
As he sat there the alarm rang again.
He again tapped the snooze button.
Lying back down, he tried hopelessly to go back to sleep, but to no
avail. He was awake now, might as well
get ready for work.
He
took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.
Larry always slept with his glasses on.
He told people it was so he could see his dreams clearly. Though he tried to convince himself that his
reasoning wasn’t far from the truth, there was a simpler explanation. He almost always fell asleep with the TV on,
and needed them to see the TV. He looked
at the clock. “Shit!” It was quarter of eight. In order to pick up Geri at quarter after he
would have to be out of the house in twelve minutes. The alarm blared again. “Oh, shut up!” He turned the alarm off and got out of bed.
Larry
paged through the TV Guide as he stumbled to the bathroom, mentally verifying
that all VCR’s were programmed for the day’s television events. He brushed his teeth, showered, shaved,
gargled, and brushed his teeth again as he tried to wipe the images of his
dreams from his mind. No use getting
wrapped up in something that never happened and never would. He was dressed and ready to go with thirty
seconds to spare. “See ya later,” he
whispered to his apartment as he closed the door behind him.
Though
it was barely eight o’clock, the day was beautiful. Larry decided to take the top down on his
convertible. He realized this was
probably a mistake when he got back into the car and saw that he was now five
minutes behind schedule. As it always
seems to happen when running late, the traffic was heavy. He knew, at best, he would be ten minutes
late to pick up Geri and started thinking up an excuse. He could claim there was a lot of traffic;
that had worked in the past and, after all, it was true. What the hell, why worry about it? The worst that would happen is she’d feign
anger to make him feel bad, he’d beg her forgiveness, and they’d discuss their
respective evenings. That’s what made
the dream seem so real to him. They had
gone to a movie he had already seen last night and she had seemed
different. Not as standoffish as she had
been the other times they’d been to the movies.
There was a sense of closeness he hadn’t felt before. Earlier in the day she even caught herself
admitting they were ‘going out’ that night and quickly changed her words to
‘going to see a movie’. “God, why do you
have to read so much into these things?”
He hadn’t realized that he was, as usual, conversing with himself out
loud until he saw the look the driver next to him gave as he pulled away from
the green light. Larry had no problem with
the fact that he talked to himself; he just needed to use better judgement when
the top was down.
He
pulled up in front of the building where she lived and parked. No Geri.
He was spared having to exaggerate the traffic story and he’d have the
upper hand in the “you’re late” argument.
A few minutes passed and then he saw her exiting the building. He had to keep his mouth from dropping
open. She was wearing the exact same
outfit as in the dream about the park.
“This cannot be happening.” He
made sure those words were only spoken in his head.
Geri
stumbled to the car, one hand buttoning the top button of her blouse, the other
holding her shoes and briefcase. Not
exactly the consummate professional she appeared to be at the office. Her hair was still damp and she wore no
make-up. Larry knew that by the time
they arrived at work she would be transformed.
Oddly enough, this was when he saw her to be the most attractive. This was the real Geri. This was the person he had fallen . . . “Stop
it! She’s just a friend.”
“I
am so sorry,” she sounded much more herself then she had on the phone a mere
two hours earlier. “I fell back to
sleep and . . . were you waiting long?”
“Since
ten after,” he tried to sound angry but she smiled knowingly (that smile was
much too familiar) and they both laughed.
“Actually I just got here a few minutes ago.” As they pulled away from the building Larry’s
mind raced. The smile, the clothes.
Forgetting the dreams was not going to be easy.
The
drive to work was accompanied by a discussion of the film, what they did when
they got home, and weekend plans. It
usually felt natural when they spoke like this, but today was different. He felt apprehensive. He felt the words being forced out of his
mouth. As they approached the doughnut
shop they replayed the daily ‘should we stop and get doughnuts for the office’
discussion. Larry ended with, “If you
were on time, we’d be able to stop,” as they drove by. She took a break in applying her lipstick to
laugh lightly. The smile seemed to
linger on her lips a bit longer this time.
“Stop it!”
They
arrived at work, early, and their individual days began.
Larry
entered the building so absorbed in his own thoughts that he barely heard the
greeting from the receptionist. “Morning,”
he uttered as he checked for messages.
There were two. A client who
needed a call in the afternoon and a note that Stacy was running about five
minutes late. He walked to his office
re-reading the notes as they started to sink in.
The
office was a microcosm of his apartment.
Every surface, his desk, table, chairs and shelves were covered in
paper. Even here there were videotapes
scattered about. A box that had seemed
to be there forever sat in one corner, overflowing with who knew what. The walls of his office were lined with
calendars of various shapes and sizes.
When asked, Larry told others that he needed one for each time
zone. Most people laughed, a few nodded
their heads with fake understanding. He
moved behind his desk to start his computer and reached for his coffee mug,
still half full with the remains of yesterday’s brew. He sipped at it tentatively then gulped it
down in one clean swallow. He returned
to the reception area to fill his cup with what he hoped would be fresh coffee.
“How
was the movie,” the receptionist inquired.
Larry stopped short, again with the movie. “I enjoyed it. It held up to a second viewing.” She nodded, a bit confused. “I’m thinking of seeing it this weekend.”
He
filled his cup with first sugar then creamer and then poured the coffee on
top. He liked to think that the
condiments dissolved quicker this way.
As he stirred it he headed back to his office. The receptionist noted that he seemed a bit
quiet today. She hoped it wasn’t going
to be ‘one of those’ days.
Larry
sat behind his desk and started to check his e-mail. Nothing extraordinary. Three off color jokes from a client, a
picture of a thousand pound naked woman, and a brief comment from Stacy
continuing a cyber conversation they had started two months earlier, just to
see how many times they could reply back and forth. As he was reading through the notes, his
staff began to file into his office for the daily meeting. He looked up and greeted each as they emptied
chairs in order to sit down.
The
meeting started with the usual banter about last night’s television
viewing. This served two purposes. One, to allow everyone to have a few minutes
of relaxation before the day began and two, most importantly, to stretch things
out so no one would notice Stacy arriving late.
“Sorry
I’m late,” Stacy entered speaking with a slight accent. A very cute accent his mother once informed
him after her third inquiry into Stacy’s marital status. Her accent only grew heavier when she was
trying to push a point through or when she and Larry got into a heavy
argument. And, oh did they argue. Larry once told her that the reason they
argued was that they worked so closely together they were like an old married
couple. “The only problem is,” he
announced, “you can’t use sex against me to gain the upper hand.” As with most of their arguments, it ended in
laughter.
Stacy
was an enigma. She was one part
enchantress, one part psychiatrist, three parts professional, and two parts
Yoda. They had spent many hours
philosophizing over the nature of humanity and Larry’s pet topic that it is
more natural to be bad then good. “The
dark side of the Force is more seductive,” he would quote. “And why are the things that taste the best
always bad for you.” She would argue
that good and bad were relative terms and in reality didn’t exist.
Larry
couldn’t believe that he had only known Stacy for two years. He couldn’t remember what it was like before
she entered his life. They were good
friends, yet something deeper. He knew
he could always count on her to be the one constant in his universe (another
pet topic for them). She remained
levelheaded yet never pulled her punches when they talked, whether it be work
related or not. In another life, he
thought, they were probably brother and sister, Stacy being the brother.
The
meeting continued as usual. Personal
jabs were tossed back and forth between staff members. Larry and Katie got into the mandatory argument
ending with Stacy requesting them to “just move on.” The meeting ended, the crowd left, carefully
replacing the piles they had removed from the chairs they had occupied, and
Larry’s mind drifted back to his dreams.
It
seemed an eternity before the ringing phone jarred him from his
contemplation. It was Mark, his
boss. “Everything alright? The phone must have rung ten times.” “Yeah, I’m okay,” Larry knew Mark was prone
to exaggeration and the phone had only rung three times, “What’s up?” As Mark began talking, Larry caught the image
of Geri through his window leaving her office across the courtyard. He turned to look at her just as she turned
to look at him. Their eyes locked for
the briefest of moments. They quickly
looked away uncomfortably, but Larry was sure he caught a glimpse of that same
smile once again. Unaware of what was
happening, Mark continued with his litany of issues revolving around the day’s
schedule. “Okay, thanks,” Larry offered
as the conversation ended and he hung up the phone.
“This
has got to stop,” Larry was barely audible through gritted teeth. And it did finally stop, for a few hours at
least. The day progressed uneventful.
Well, as uneventful as any day. He had
two more run-ins with Katie, a minor disagreement with Mark over the way to
handle a disciplinary problem, two and a half more cups of coffee, and a heated
discussion with Stacy (she agreed with Mark).
Two clients called with thanks for a job well done on a project that had
been going on for three months. It was
always nice to hear something positive.
Yes, everything went well until the middle of the afternoon when the
phone rang for what seemed the hundredth time that day.
“Larry,
do you have a couple of minutes? There’s
something we need to talk about.” The
voice was unmistakable. It wasn’t the
groggy voice he got used to hearing in the morning, nor was it the cheerful,
uninhibited voice of countless car rides.
This was her professional voice; her work voice. This was the voice that said there’s a
problem and, seemingly, only Larry could solve it. His heart skipped a beat. He managed to spend the day avoiding contact
with her. It was the only way he could
concentrate on the work that continually piled up on his desk. He had even closed his blinds as to not see
her entering or exiting her office. He
stepped to the window, opened the blinds, and watched as she closed the door of
her office behind her. She didn’t look
his way. She had a serious, almost angry
expression on her face. Thank God the
smile was gone. Larry’s breathing
returned to normal.
“I
can do this,” he thought to himself.
“Yeah, I can handle this.” He sat
and buried his head in his hands. “It’s
not fair. It’s just not fair.”
“What’s
not fair?” He was startled by the sound
of Geri’s voice as she entered his office.
So startled, his stomach didn’t have time to tie in the knot it normally
did when she came into his office. “Mind
if I close the door?”
“Shit,”
he thought, this was going to be serious.
He let the thoughts of the morning, the night before, the last six
months fade out of his mind and turned his attention to the problems at
hand. An hour later the door to his
office opened. “Thank you,” Geri said
with a smile on her face. It wasn’t that
smile. It was the professional smile she
often used when talking with co-workers.
“I appreciate your time.”
“Anything
you need, I’m here for you.” A truer
statement had never been uttered. Larry
collapsed into the chair he had been sitting in during their meeting and stared
out the window. He watched Geri walk
back to her office. On the way, one of
their male co-workers stopped to talk with her.
The knot Larry was deprived of earlier came quickly. He stood up with determination and headed to
Stacy’s office.
“I’m
obsessed,” he blurted out as he closed Stacy’s door behind him. She looked up calmly from her typing. “I know.”
“Stupid,
stupid, stupid,” Larry shuffled nervously in his chair. On the television a newscaster was
interviewing a policeman. Without even thinking,
Larry did something he rarely did. He
shut off the TV. “Why did I have to talk
to her about this?” Larry felt that as
long as he kept things to himself, they weren’t an issue. Just another fantasy. God knows he’d had plenty of them. But now that it was voiced, it was real,
something he had to deal with. Stacy was
a great comfort. She listened to
everything he had to say, the dreams, the smile, the clothes. She let him stumble over his self-analysis,
not uttering a word. When she finally spoke
he heard something he didn’t expect.
A
voice of logic, a voice he trusted implicitly told him that he wasn’t
crazy. She told him that maybe he should
consider pursuing things. Not right
away, she had warned. Be sure of you’re
feelings first. Then, when you’re sure,
do something.
This
wasn’t what he wanted to hear. She was
supposed to discourage him. She was
supposed to list out all the negatives he had been running through his mind for
months. She’s too young. She works for you. And the ever popular, she could never be
interested in you. All the things a true
friend would say to spare his feelings.
Instead she told him what she thought, what she felt. He knew he could always count on her for
this.
And
now things were worse. What if he did
approach Geri and she didn’t feel the same way?
Would she start to pull away from him?
The friendship was too important to be lost because of his attraction. Stacy had laughed at that one.
He
took another sip of his soda. He had
thought about pouring himself a scotch but dropped the idea immediately. He never drank alone, especially when he was
troubled. He was afraid that this would
lead to a drinking problem. No, the soda
was fine. “Oh, the hell with it.” Larry leaned back in his chair, starting to
feel comfortable for the first time today, this week, this month. He actually started to feel good about what
he had done. On the one hand, voicing
the issue had turned it into a reality, but on the other hand, he felt relieved
of a burden. He was finally able to
articulate his problems to one of the two friends he felt closest to. The one who could best understand it.
He
turned the TV on and resumed flipping through the channels. The phone was on its third ring before he sat
up and answered it. “Hello,” he had
considered screening the call. Usually
the only calls he got at this time were from sales people or someone soliciting
for a charity.
“Larry,
it’s Stacy.” Her voice seemed somewhat
rushed, almost panicky. “Hey, I was just
thinking about you. Thanks for letting
me pour my heart . . .”
“Are
you watching the news?” She cut him off
so abruptly it made the hairs on the back of his neck tingle. “No, I never watch . . .”
“Turn
on channel four.” He followed her
instruction immediately and eased back into his chair. “Yeah I saw this, some kind of drive by
shooting. Don’t you get tired of seeing
these every . . .” This time he cut himself off. On the screen was a news anchor. In the corner of the screen was a picture
with the word Victim captioned below it.
The smile on the picture was unmistakable. “ . . . was pronounced dead at eight twenty
five this evening,” were the last words he heard as he dropped the phone and
drifted into unconsciousness.
They
were in the park. Geri reached over and
grabbed Larry’s hand pulling forward and closer to him. At first he was surprised, but her hand felt
so natural in his. She led him to a big
tree by a lake. She stopped and turned
to him. Their eyes locked as he pulled
her closer. He cautiously wrapped his
arms around her, leaned over, and kissed her.
It was a moment for which he had waited a long time. She seemed to melt in his arms and he in
hers.
They
found Larry the next morning. He looked
so relaxed in the chair. Stacy couldn’t
help noticing the smile on his face. She
smiled herself as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
The
embrace seemed to last an eternity.
Larry was the one to pull away first.
As he looked at the smile on Geri’s face he felt a similar one forming
on his own. They stood unaware of their
surroundings, locked in each others’ glance.
After a moment Geri tugged at Larry’s hand. “Hey, let’s go to the movies.”
The
End
[This ultamitley turned into chapter one of I guess what I could call a novella. More to come? -- ggg]
No comments:
Post a Comment